To my mom, on Mother’s Day

I think about you every. single. day! It may be for a couple of seconds and some days it can be for hours. You are going to live forever in me.

You influence my decisions, my being immensely. You are going to live forever in me.

I often look to the sky and think about your journey. Your journey through life. Meeting my father. Having your two sons. Having me. Going through your divorce and finding your feet as a single mother.

I think about your struggles. The hustle. Your strength. Your presence. How you influenced all those you encountered.

I think about your struggles with your health. I think about your diagnosis.  I think about how I selfishly cried in your arms begging you not to die. I knew it was the end for you. It sounded bad. I was in denial but deep down I knew you would never recover. I think about how quickly you deteriorated. In three short months your life slipped away before me.

I think about my regrets. How I wish I were braver. Braver for you. I regret so much. I keep sane by telling myself that I was naive. I was just a child. Eighteen and clueless. But I know that I will always have these regrets deep down.

I wish I had slept next to you when you spent days and days curled up in your dark bedroom. I wish I had helped you while you were throwing up. I wish I had been there for you more. I selfishly stayed away because I thought if I didn’t accept it – it wouldn’t be true.

I wish I had held myself together the nights my brother and I visited you in hospital. I cried every single night we visited and I know it annoyed you.

I think about your last day on earth and how your throat bubbled. How you couldn’t talk and you simply held my hand. I think about how thankful I am that I witnessed you accept God as your saviour.

I think about the night you died. I think about leaving the hospital and how it was the very last time I saw your face. I think about how hard it must have been to have let go. You fought for your kids. As a mom now, I can only imagine the pain of knowing you wouldn’t be apart of seeing your kids grow up to find their partners and meet your grandkids. I think about that every single time I look at my daughter.

I think about that phone call I recieved on your cellphone I took home that night from the hospital. Those words of ‘Cheryl has passed away’ ring in my head often. Nights haunt me!

I think about how you flew with the angels on the evening of 30 January 2008. A day God marked on his calendar as the day his angel would return to heaven and be with him. I think about your spirit lifting from your damaged body and made anew in God.

I think about your life in heaven. I read about your home in the Bible and it comforts me. I think how selfish it is of me to want you back here on earth. You are in the perfect place.

I think about how I will see you again. Our spirits will reunite one day, but for now I have my life’s purpose to fulfil here on earth. That is a child of God, being Brett’s wife, Maddison’s mom, a friend, a hard worker and living to be a testiment of God’s salvation and grace.

I think about my salvation and how I found God. I thank you. It is well with my soul because I find comfort in your salvation and the fact that I know where you are today.

I think about death. Knowing that there is no place on earth I can get in my car and drive to you to find you cripples me. I think about how your death has affected my life, how it has moulded me. I grew up. Fast. We had dreams. Plans.

I think about how life is unfair. Why my mama? Why so young? I needed you. I still do. Every. Single. Day.

I am because of you. I have achieved all I have because you believed in me. You shared my dreams. You were my cheerleader. You were my best friend. You were my everything.

Mother’s Day is hands down the hardest of them all. Not the birthdays or the anniversaries. It is Mother’s Day. It is the one day of the year I am reminded that I don’t have a mom. I don’t have a mom to shower with love, respect, appreciation, flowers, chocolates and a lavish lunch you deserved! It is the day I am bombarded with pictures and slabs of text of other people who God willing have their mom on earth to rightfully love and spoil.

Now that I am a mom I have a gorgeous little girl who I see so much of you in. I just know how proud you are of her and how much you would of showered her with love and appreciation. You would have made her life that much richer… I am saddened that my daughter doesn’t have you a part of her life.

I miss you. Every. Single. Day. It doesn’t get easier. I just learn how to get that much stronger each and every day.

I thank God for choosing you to me my mom. Every. Single. Day! My short eighteen years I had with you were far from perfect but they were perfect for me. You taught me everything I needed to know. My heart and soul is a true reflection of your being. You are my inspiration!

So today, on my 10th Mother’s Day without you here to love and spoil, I thank you. Thank you for all you did, sacrificed and taught me. I think about you. Every. Single. Day! And I know that you are by my side every. Single. Day! And that makes me smile.

I love you always! You are in my heart. You are apart of me. Your blood runs through my veins. I am forever grateful for you! I will think about our precious moments we spent together for the rest of my life!

Your daughter forever and always,

Monique

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